richard williams (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} rmwilliamsjr) wrote,@ 2006-10-31 11:27:00 |
|
teaching
well, i've finally worked through the issues that arose in the Westminster years.
it started when i was 16 and Pastor Garman at the confirmation exam told me that he thought that i ought to go to seminary and be a Lutheran pastor.
Mom and Gordon told me the same thing. These entered into the decision to leave UCSD and go to Westminster. When Dick Kaufman told me that i did not have the call to teach and was being selfish and foolish to put my family through such problems as we had at Westminster it was a bit of a shock. When Alma asked to wait to start the next semester i was primed to just quit and move on. But i guess i've always harbored the thought that they might not be right and someday i'd know if i had a call or not.
In many ways, the last 7 years since mom and dad died has put me back into seminary years. i've done lots of good reading and throughly enjoyed it. When asked to teaching these last 3 Sunday School classes, i've consciously looked to see if i had either the gifts to teach or the call to do so. I think i am too old to go to seminary but if God would call i'd certainly consider it, and do as i felt lead despite my misgivings about my age.
well, we've pretty much exhausted the inheritance that allowed the luxury of reading and not working. I have to go back to work in January to make up the few hundred $ shortfall we have in the budget each month, so there is a deadline. The fact that the church is trying to start a satellite seminary perks up my interest as well. I've been through the lamp website, it helped make the decision. It is nice to see Dean and Scott struggle with the issues of seminary as well.
Teaching this current class has been a big help as well, and is instrumental it helping me solve the issues. Simply put, i do not have a call, i do not have the gifts. It's a bit difficult to admit it and let go of dreams i've had for decades, but since making the decision a couple of weeks ago i really feel like the issue is gone and solved. That feeling of resolution is a confirming factor as well.*
It confirms my discovery that with mom's death my visions and dreams of the future died as well, so did any desire to sit in a class room. Teaching has taught me that i do not belong there in the front, i belong in the back listening and thinking. The front is more than uncomfortable, it is strenuous, i get into church literally soaked through both shirts with sweat. It is a responsibility that i don't want and is not mine. My admiration for pastors and teachers is almost unbounding, it is certainly a high calling and i have to respect anyone who does it. It is no reflection on my character that God doesn't call, it is just the way it is. I used to think that leaving Westminster showed a serious character flaw that i was unaware of. just because i can do the work doesn't mean i should be. ability is not the same thing as a call.
But i actually did what was recommended to me, i took care of the kids, kept the family together and helped them grow up into adults. The fact that they are not Christians is bothersome but ought to be the object of daily prayers not daily worry about what i did wrong. It does however point to the fact that i am not qualified to be an elder, certainly a consideration in this decision, as well.
so, i can finally shut those doors and move on. I need to find any job that will pay the bills that i can do. Probably looking at call centers first, since that is where i left things back in 2000. Sign up for a few temp agencies and just see what God brings my way. it will be a bit difficult to tell Alma and Pastor Phillip that i won't be in front of a class again, i think she is happy for me in doing it. It's a good decision and will help solidify the upcoming job hunt.
we plan to take alma's dec vacation and work around the house. get it so that no one has to be here all day and continue with my weight loss program. perhaps working around the house will be the instrumentality to finally help get rid of the weight gain since 2000. looks like it might be possible solution. fix the house and fix me, catch up on the things neglected in order to read.
so, i finally can close the seminary and westminster door after so many years. it is nice to realize that i did the right thing, if even for the wrong reasons back then. i've always wondered if i should have struggled harder to continue, now i know it would have been more money, time and pain down the drain without the call to actually do the work. but letting go of this i can better concentrate on lossing weight and getting a job.
I don't think i'm going to put a lot of attention to what job, like i did with SOS and BB. I've missed any opportunity for a rewarding or interesting career, it is just about the money and saving enough so that Alma is not an impoverished widow for decades like her mom was. it is a good feeling to close the books and move on to the next challenge of life, knowing that the one behind this is death will be the takehome message of the last years of study and contemplation. i'm glad God gave me the opportunity in these Sunday school classes to experience teaching for myself, that is a really good thing, to be making the decision on emperical grounds rather than the wish-to-be ones of the Westminster years.
there is a subsidary issue and that is my arguing online. i suspect that i will really have to decrease if not stop it. Without the possibility of being a teacher it seems inappropriate to be persuasive online as it is to be in the church. There really isn't this imaginary line that i have been using to justify online activities. When i get a job that will be a no brainer anyhow just from a time perspective. but in the meantime i have to decrease my involvement, and emotionally wean my way out of the boards and discussions. i now know i don't have any call to teach or to persuade people, i have to get back to the rear of the bus, i mean classroom of life. *grin*
i had considered making this journal private so that no one is mislead by my thinking, that may still be a necessary option. but i did take down the webpages and think that this was the right thing to do, especially the class pages. without the call, i am without the gifts and without any hope that i can say anything worthwhile...rats. it does exceed the laymen's office to offer an apologia and exhort. and is clearly over the line. i'm still not sure about this journal.
an unexpected side benefit of the decision is that it also puts the idea of going to China to teach english aside. without the even generalized call to teach it also disappears. now i can go back to my rule of "don't speak unless spoke to." i've missed it because people want to ask questions after the SS classes. it will be familiar and comfortable in resuming the fly on the wall role. i really don't like being in front.
notes:
*a number of issues enter into the decision. the fact that i am not smart enough, i remember that exam in 5th grade, where the county examiner was trying to see if i was smart enough to get into the gifted program. spell parallel. how do you find a ring you left in this odd sized playground. it hurts to admit it, but i'm not qualified. memory is beginning to fail, diabetes doesn't help. good reason to control it.
the fact that the call clears the way enters into the decision. the way is even more blocked now then in 1980-4, and not just being older. i'm no less a square peg in the proverbial round world now then i was back then.
the fact that i can't subscribe to the WCF is problematic as well. something i've thought about since reading the puritanboard posting on the issues.
i hope i can alter this and get all the pieces of the decision written down here over the next few weeks.
a nice letter. personally identifiers removed.
I wanted to write and express my appreciation for your teaching ministry during the years ***. In particular, your excellent work in this past course, the History of the Diaconate (an idea which came from ***) was in my opinion invaluable to the work of the church.
Not only that, but for ***, it proved to be a catalyst for many thoughts and ideas that God had been (and continues to) put on my heart about the nature of the ministry, of the church, and the kind of mission the church has in the world.
To myself, I thought: "Richard's class on the ministries of mercy ought to be ground zero for all officers training material," or,***, "ground zero for anyone who wants to be involved in the development of a new faith community ***."
I want to encourage you to continue to pursue developing your teaching gifts. God has richly blessed RMPC with you, my friend. (Don't worry Richard: simply saying "thank you" is fine, brother! ;o)
I have some ideas on how you can do that; we can talk at some point in the future about them.
Meanwhile, I wanted also to let you know that *** in a really good course through the Chalmers Institute; it is email based and covers two key books, Walking with the Poor by Meyers and Churches that Make a Difference by Sider and Unruh. We'll get together at some point to talk about these books--if you're open to doing so--but in the meantime, they also assigned some supplemental articles to read.
This article seems like it would be an asset to our deacons. *** on this note; if they agree, they should feel free to try to use not only it, but some of the books it references in the diaconal work of their churches.
to which i found myself replying:
I talked to PK (about these issues) with Alma over lunch a few months ago at Furr's.
Those difficult and serious years at Westminster West, where i was sure i ought to teach, somewhere, somehow, followed by 10 years of travel, hard work and disappointment dominate my thinking on the topic.
I come back to the idea that i was confident enough to fight everyone to be there and take advantage of the seminary opportunities, everyone but Alma. When she saw a way out of our problems by leaving that dream and moving on to try to put the family on a higher physical/material comfort level, that was the signal to me that God had spoken.
I don't have that confidence i did 25 years ago.
I don't see any internal call to teach, i don't really see any vocational call from God at all, now that the kids are gone their various ways. What bubbles to the surface is my strongest motivation, just plain old curiosity and a desire to understand those things that bug me. It is not coupled to a desire to share, to convince, to persuade that may have been part of my thoughts back then, but that simply burned out over the intervening years.
But i certainly learned from being in front of a class what a responsibility it is, what a difficult task, and what an important one it is, especially in the Church. But the experience reinforces what the decades have taught as well, i belong in the back of a class, listening and taking notes. not in the front.
I was wrong back then going to Westminster West, it seriously and permanently deflected the whole trajectory of our lives. It's not that i regret those decades, but things could have been a bit better. i was out of touch with a local church for more than 2 decades, something that was unavoidable given the conditions as we saw them, but not really an optimal way to haved raised our kids.
two key books, Walking with the Poor by Meyers and Churches that Make a Difference by Sider and Unruh. We'll get together at some point to talk about these books--if you're open to doing so--but in the meantime, they also assigned some supplemental articles to read.
got them on my amazon wish list. i enjoy nothing more than talking about good books...*grin*
is this the class?
http://www.chalmers.org/site/docs/found
http://www.diaconalministries.com/docum
thanks, i marked and saved it.
"thank you"
cc:
to alma
we don't really talk about it....maybe it is just too painful.
so, i've reconsidered the issues as was requested. i don't feel any call to teach, and a strong adversion to being referred to as a teacher or any kind of authority at all, i shudder when i hear such things. i learned from the experience, the most important thing was that i don't belong there in that role. i was mildly surprised to hear myself say that Westminster was a mistake, i just i really didn't want to admit it. but if it was then things fall into place a bit better. LaVitaHouse is a lot less tramatic for me, perhaps a reel spiritually sunday afternoon discussion group would work and not set off all the warning bells i hear in my head during Sunday School "teaching". In any case, i have enough confidence that this is the way to go that i will start to answer people's inquiries about "when is your next class?"- - with a direct answer that i don't expect there to be anymore as i am not called to teach.
well, i've finally worked through the issues that arose in the Westminster years.
it started when i was 16 and Pastor Garman at the confirmation exam told me that he thought that i ought to go to seminary and be a Lutheran pastor.
Mom and Gordon told me the same thing. These entered into the decision to leave UCSD and go to Westminster. When Dick Kaufman told me that i did not have the call to teach and was being selfish and foolish to put my family through such problems as we had at Westminster it was a bit of a shock. When Alma asked to wait to start the next semester i was primed to just quit and move on. But i guess i've always harbored the thought that they might not be right and someday i'd know if i had a call or not.
In many ways, the last 7 years since mom and dad died has put me back into seminary years. i've done lots of good reading and throughly enjoyed it. When asked to teaching these last 3 Sunday School classes, i've consciously looked to see if i had either the gifts to teach or the call to do so. I think i am too old to go to seminary but if God would call i'd certainly consider it, and do as i felt lead despite my misgivings about my age.
well, we've pretty much exhausted the inheritance that allowed the luxury of reading and not working. I have to go back to work in January to make up the few hundred $ shortfall we have in the budget each month, so there is a deadline. The fact that the church is trying to start a satellite seminary perks up my interest as well. I've been through the lamp website, it helped make the decision. It is nice to see Dean and Scott struggle with the issues of seminary as well.
Teaching this current class has been a big help as well, and is instrumental it helping me solve the issues. Simply put, i do not have a call, i do not have the gifts. It's a bit difficult to admit it and let go of dreams i've had for decades, but since making the decision a couple of weeks ago i really feel like the issue is gone and solved. That feeling of resolution is a confirming factor as well.*
It confirms my discovery that with mom's death my visions and dreams of the future died as well, so did any desire to sit in a class room. Teaching has taught me that i do not belong there in the front, i belong in the back listening and thinking. The front is more than uncomfortable, it is strenuous, i get into church literally soaked through both shirts with sweat. It is a responsibility that i don't want and is not mine. My admiration for pastors and teachers is almost unbounding, it is certainly a high calling and i have to respect anyone who does it. It is no reflection on my character that God doesn't call, it is just the way it is. I used to think that leaving Westminster showed a serious character flaw that i was unaware of. just because i can do the work doesn't mean i should be. ability is not the same thing as a call.
But i actually did what was recommended to me, i took care of the kids, kept the family together and helped them grow up into adults. The fact that they are not Christians is bothersome but ought to be the object of daily prayers not daily worry about what i did wrong. It does however point to the fact that i am not qualified to be an elder, certainly a consideration in this decision, as well.
so, i can finally shut those doors and move on. I need to find any job that will pay the bills that i can do. Probably looking at call centers first, since that is where i left things back in 2000. Sign up for a few temp agencies and just see what God brings my way. it will be a bit difficult to tell Alma and Pastor Phillip that i won't be in front of a class again, i think she is happy for me in doing it. It's a good decision and will help solidify the upcoming job hunt.
we plan to take alma's dec vacation and work around the house. get it so that no one has to be here all day and continue with my weight loss program. perhaps working around the house will be the instrumentality to finally help get rid of the weight gain since 2000. looks like it might be possible solution. fix the house and fix me, catch up on the things neglected in order to read.
so, i finally can close the seminary and westminster door after so many years. it is nice to realize that i did the right thing, if even for the wrong reasons back then. i've always wondered if i should have struggled harder to continue, now i know it would have been more money, time and pain down the drain without the call to actually do the work. but letting go of this i can better concentrate on lossing weight and getting a job.
I don't think i'm going to put a lot of attention to what job, like i did with SOS and BB. I've missed any opportunity for a rewarding or interesting career, it is just about the money and saving enough so that Alma is not an impoverished widow for decades like her mom was. it is a good feeling to close the books and move on to the next challenge of life, knowing that the one behind this is death will be the takehome message of the last years of study and contemplation. i'm glad God gave me the opportunity in these Sunday school classes to experience teaching for myself, that is a really good thing, to be making the decision on emperical grounds rather than the wish-to-be ones of the Westminster years.
there is a subsidary issue and that is my arguing online. i suspect that i will really have to decrease if not stop it. Without the possibility of being a teacher it seems inappropriate to be persuasive online as it is to be in the church. There really isn't this imaginary line that i have been using to justify online activities. When i get a job that will be a no brainer anyhow just from a time perspective. but in the meantime i have to decrease my involvement, and emotionally wean my way out of the boards and discussions. i now know i don't have any call to teach or to persuade people, i have to get back to the rear of the bus, i mean classroom of life. *grin*
i had considered making this journal private so that no one is mislead by my thinking, that may still be a necessary option. but i did take down the webpages and think that this was the right thing to do, especially the class pages. without the call, i am without the gifts and without any hope that i can say anything worthwhile...rats. it does exceed the laymen's office to offer an apologia and exhort. and is clearly over the line. i'm still not sure about this journal.
an unexpected side benefit of the decision is that it also puts the idea of going to China to teach english aside. without the even generalized call to teach it also disappears. now i can go back to my rule of "don't speak unless spoke to." i've missed it because people want to ask questions after the SS classes. it will be familiar and comfortable in resuming the fly on the wall role. i really don't like being in front.
notes:
*a number of issues enter into the decision. the fact that i am not smart enough, i remember that exam in 5th grade, where the county examiner was trying to see if i was smart enough to get into the gifted program. spell parallel. how do you find a ring you left in this odd sized playground. it hurts to admit it, but i'm not qualified. memory is beginning to fail, diabetes doesn't help. good reason to control it.
the fact that the call clears the way enters into the decision. the way is even more blocked now then in 1980-4, and not just being older. i'm no less a square peg in the proverbial round world now then i was back then.
the fact that i can't subscribe to the WCF is problematic as well. something i've thought about since reading the puritanboard posting on the issues.
i hope i can alter this and get all the pieces of the decision written down here over the next few weeks.
a nice letter. personally identifiers removed.
I wanted to write and express my appreciation for your teaching ministry during the years ***. In particular, your excellent work in this past course, the History of the Diaconate (an idea which came from ***) was in my opinion invaluable to the work of the church.
Not only that, but for ***, it proved to be a catalyst for many thoughts and ideas that God had been (and continues to) put on my heart about the nature of the ministry, of the church, and the kind of mission the church has in the world.
To myself, I thought: "Richard's class on the ministries of mercy ought to be ground zero for all officers training material," or,***, "ground zero for anyone who wants to be involved in the development of a new faith community ***."
I want to encourage you to continue to pursue developing your teaching gifts. God has richly blessed RMPC with you, my friend. (Don't worry Richard: simply saying "thank you" is fine, brother! ;o)
I have some ideas on how you can do that; we can talk at some point in the future about them.
Meanwhile, I wanted also to let you know that *** in a really good course through the Chalmers Institute; it is email based and covers two key books, Walking with the Poor by Meyers and Churches that Make a Difference by Sider and Unruh. We'll get together at some point to talk about these books--if you're open to doing so--but in the meantime, they also assigned some supplemental articles to read.
This article seems like it would be an asset to our deacons. *** on this note; if they agree, they should feel free to try to use not only it, but some of the books it references in the diaconal work of their churches.
to which i found myself replying:
I talked to PK (about these issues) with Alma over lunch a few months ago at Furr's.
Those difficult and serious years at Westminster West, where i was sure i ought to teach, somewhere, somehow, followed by 10 years of travel, hard work and disappointment dominate my thinking on the topic.
I come back to the idea that i was confident enough to fight everyone to be there and take advantage of the seminary opportunities, everyone but Alma. When she saw a way out of our problems by leaving that dream and moving on to try to put the family on a higher physical/material comfort level, that was the signal to me that God had spoken.
I don't have that confidence i did 25 years ago.
I don't see any internal call to teach, i don't really see any vocational call from God at all, now that the kids are gone their various ways. What bubbles to the surface is my strongest motivation, just plain old curiosity and a desire to understand those things that bug me. It is not coupled to a desire to share, to convince, to persuade that may have been part of my thoughts back then, but that simply burned out over the intervening years.
But i certainly learned from being in front of a class what a responsibility it is, what a difficult task, and what an important one it is, especially in the Church. But the experience reinforces what the decades have taught as well, i belong in the back of a class, listening and taking notes. not in the front.
I was wrong back then going to Westminster West, it seriously and permanently deflected the whole trajectory of our lives. It's not that i regret those decades, but things could have been a bit better. i was out of touch with a local church for more than 2 decades, something that was unavoidable given the conditions as we saw them, but not really an optimal way to haved raised our kids.
two key books, Walking with the Poor by Meyers and Churches that Make a Difference by Sider and Unruh. We'll get together at some point to talk about these books--if you're open to doing so--but in the meantime, they also assigned some supplemental articles to read.
got them on my amazon wish list. i enjoy nothing more than talking about good books...*grin*
is this the class?
http://www.chalmers.org/site/docs/found
http://www.diaconalministries.com/docum
thanks, i marked and saved it.
"thank you"
cc:
to alma
we don't really talk about it....maybe it is just too painful.
so, i've reconsidered the issues as was requested. i don't feel any call to teach, and a strong adversion to being referred to as a teacher or any kind of authority at all, i shudder when i hear such things. i learned from the experience, the most important thing was that i don't belong there in that role. i was mildly surprised to hear myself say that Westminster was a mistake, i just i really didn't want to admit it. but if it was then things fall into place a bit better. LaVitaHouse is a lot less tramatic for me, perhaps a reel spiritually sunday afternoon discussion group would work and not set off all the warning bells i hear in my head during Sunday School "teaching". In any case, i have enough confidence that this is the way to go that i will start to answer people's inquiries about "when is your next class?"- - with a direct answer that i don't expect there to be anymore as i am not called to teach.
